Great Throughts Treasury

"Good humor is a paradox. The unexpected juxtaposition of the reasonable next to the unreasonable."

"Humor results from the contrast between a thing as it is and a thing smashed out of shape, as it ought not to be."

"One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older."

"Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap."

"I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting."

"I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . ."

"When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral, I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them.""